Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
