This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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