you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
