So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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