I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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