My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
