life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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