Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Randomize
