ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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