Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
