So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
