I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
