Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
