sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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