Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
