wrigley field is MILF paradise
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it hurts more in the daytime
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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