Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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