EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if only i could text you this smell
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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