He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
