Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
