She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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