She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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