I'm gonna have a badass scar
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
