i just had sex bonerless
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
