Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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