remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
