Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
