It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
