My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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