this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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