Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
