Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I will die if light touches me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize