watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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