he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
