Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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