Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
