I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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