I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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