Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Success! We fucked roommates!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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