My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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