My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
