I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
