fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
