Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
