I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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