I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
