i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
