I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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