tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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