Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
