I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
