my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So much rum. So many feels.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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