I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
