Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
