20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
