The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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