New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
