So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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